Confidential Memo

To: Democratic Operatives, Our Media Allies

From: Dave Screwtape, Democratic Consultant

Sarah Palin must be discredited. The risks of having the first woman Vice-President be a conservative Republican are just too high. It will make young women more open to being Republicans, or even to opposing abortion. Nothing good can from a Palin Vice-Presidency, and we must, in a careful calculated way, begin the process of discrediting her before she does serious damage to the county, and more importantly, our party.

How Not To Discredit Palin

First of all, Alan Colmes and the Daily Kos have been out front questioning Palin’s prenatal care on her last pregnancy. I don’t know about you, but to quote our nominee figuring out the appropriate decision on pre-natal care when her water broke while she visited Texas is above my pay grade.

It’s really quite unbecoming for men, in particular, to be talking about this. We want to avoid such overt sexism in this campaign. What’s really called for is far more subtle sexism.

Covert Sexism

I am a fully liberated man who respects that women are unique individuals and equals. However, this is an election and we must carefully exploit sexist tendencies in the American people. Some may be squeamish about this, but this is politics, and in politics, you go for the kneecaps.

Obviously, we can’t say, “Don’t vote for Palin, because she’s a woman.”

However, we can say that she’s not ready to lead. When conservatives point out that Palin has as much experience as Senator Obama, they only weaken their case. Everyone who’s ever lived with a woman knows they take longer to get ready.

Another great adjective was used by the Lieutenant Governor of Wisconsin, Barbara Lawton, who bravely set an example for all Democratic women, by putting her party before her gender, saying Palin would make “a fragile president.” She’s set an example for us all. Don’t say Palin’s weak because she’s a woman, say she’s weak and the voters will believe it because she is a woman.

Secondly, strongly emphasize her physical attractiveness. Even with the glasses and ridiculous hairdo she outclasses most women in politics. No one takes attractive women seriously. Find a single attractive woman in the U.S. Senate. You can’t.

Most people believe that attractive women should be modeling tight-fitting garments on the Price is Right, not trying to school the nation on energy policy.

Religious Hypocrite

Now, some people may be minded to search for her pastor having said controversial things. Let me ask, “Do we really want to go there?” Personally, I’d rather leave the Jeremiah Wright story buried as it has been for three months now, and you can’t bring up anything Palin’s pastors might have said without putting Jeremiah Wright into play.

However, it is fair to go after Palin as a religious hypocrite. The good news about this is attacking her as such doesn’t require that one actually understand the religion. Most Americans only go to Church on Easter, if that. They think they understand religion because they’ve seen movies about it made by people who also don’t understand religion.

If one understands the mindset of most Americans on religion, you can accuse her of one of three unforgivable sins:

• Having, at any time, worn any clothing that’s exposed anything above her knee. Thus, it is legitimate to try and find a picture of Governor Palin in a bikini. It also helps with the previous point.
• Having at any time had premarital sex.
• Her children having premarital sex (this is called hypocrisy by proxy.) After all, if you’re a good parent, your children do everything you tell them to.

State Record

Go after Palin’s state political record with reckless abandon. People often cite her 80% approval ratings, but the fact is that 20% of Alaskans don’t approve of how she does her job and many of these people have blogs.

State political records are like inkblots or clouds. Their shape is in the eye of the beholder. Thus, with no knowledge whatsoever of Alaska politics, you can begin cherry picking the record based on statements from disgruntled Alaskans. It’ll be hard for the Republicans to fight back because most of them have no clue about Alaska politics, either.

I urge you to heed the words of the French Proverb and tell the policy lie that gets half way around the World before the truth gets its boots on. Be unashamed to distort the record of this woman, because no one will correct you who can be heard in any meaningful way.

Finally, never refer to her as Governor Palin. Refer to her as Ms. Palin, a former Beauty Queen (preferred) or the former Mayor of a town of 9,000.

Be careful not to tolerate similar treatment of Senator Obama. If some wise guy starts calling Barack Obama, “A Former State Legislator” or “Former Law Review Editor” call them out as the racist they are. 

Regards,

Dave Screwtape.

The Screwtape Report is satire written by Adam Graham. The Screwtape Report is written from a Democratic perspective by a conservative in order to reveal Democratic strategy and thinking.

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